


Dutch Courage

by kryptonarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Drug Use, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 16:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kryptonarry/pseuds/kryptonarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn Malik is a troubled writer. He’s a drug addict and an alcoholic. Harry Styles is his boyfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dutch Courage

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my Tumblr and on 1Dfanfics. It is also a rewritten version of Panic! at the disco fic I wrote, I may post that too. The song is Dutch Courage by The Spill Canvas

Zayn Malik is a troubled writer. He’s a drug addict and an alcoholic. Harry Styles is his boyfriend. He’s been loyal to Zayn since the very beginning, and his friends don’t really understand why. No one can really understand their relationship or why Harry forces it, forces himself to stay, and forces himself to be happy. But Zayn is starting to lose it. He spends more time at his computer then with his lover. You could say he’s been having an affair with the keyboard.   
  
Harry has noticed that Zayn’s been more paranoid lately. On those rare occasions, when they leave the apartment as a couple, he’ll say that the people they pass are “glaring” at him. Harry’s never paid much attention.  Or maybe it’s just that, Zayn’s paranoia and he’s seeing something Harry will never see. He’s noticing things that don’t bother Harry, but they bother Zayn. They weigh him down with their stare, they crush him.

_Paranoia is hunting you and all these dirty looks, they are right on cue_

  
Because of the drugs, the only things Zayn worries about now are the things people say about him. Harry tries his best to reassure him that no one is talking about him, that no one is watching him, but it’s hard to convince someone that the voices aren’t real when you don’t live in their head. Zayn doesn’t believe him. Every time Harry tells him, Zayn loses a little more faith in his lover.   
  
_You're full up to the brim with that he said she said trash_  
  


Zayn’s head is filled with constant nightmares; it makes it hard for him to feel real. When he writes is the only time he feels like he’s really living, really existing. It helps to try and exercise his demons, but it also helps to make him more withdrawn.

_You exist behind your keyboard then you're gone in a flash_

***

  
Harry and their neighbors, Liam Payne and Niall Horan, have a running bet. Harrys says (believes) that Zayn can conquer his fear. Stop using drugs; stop drinking. And maybe even start believing him. Harry’s a fairly optimistic guy when it comes to his lover. However, Liam has little faith in Zayn. Niall says that Zayn doesn’t have it in him to get off drugs.

 _10 bucks says you don't have it in you, to conquer fear and quit believing what they tell you to_  
  
Harry sometimes thinks that maybe Liam and Niall are right. He sometimes thinks that should just leave Zayn; leave him to his chemical company. His best friend, Louis Tomlinson, thinks that Harry is full of shit. Louis knows that Harry is hopelessly devoted to Zayn. He also knows that Zayn is shamelessly (hopelessly) losing his mind.  
 __  
You are careening shamelessly into oblivion  
Where you will live alone with your chemicals and gin

***

  
  
Zayn sold a short story to an independent magazine in London. Harry was excited for him. But he knew that the money would be wasted. His boyfriend was going to spend in on drugs of some kind; probably cocaine. Harry knew he had no power in this situation. If he begged Zayn not to, Zayn would probably just roll his eyes and scoff at him. Harry isn’t appreciated like he should be.

_I am utterly disgusted with the path you trek, as inebriated as you can get off your latest pay check_

  
Louis thinks that Zayn is just scared; scared that if he stops the drugs that he will be destroyed by is inner battles. Harry agrees with him. Zayn is afraid he can’t write anything worth reading if he isn’t intoxicated. He thinks that if he’s strung out on coke, he’ll write something like Edgar Allen Poe. He wants his writing to be dark and creepy. He wants his writing to be the inside of his head.

Everyone sees that it’s a cover. Harry knows that Zayn can’t base his career off of being a coward. But he still supports Zayn anyways. He’s in love. He’ll do anything for Zayn.   
  
__  
I am at a loss for words here  
I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career

***

  
  
Harry lost the bet. Optimism didn’t serve him well this round. Zayn ended up over dosing on cocaine. The doctor says it was laced, but he doesn’t know what it was yet. He says he’ll tell Harry later when they’ve found out more. Harry doesn’t know what to do now, he wishes he could just yell and scream. He wishes he could tell Zayn that he told him this would happen.  
  
Liam and Niall sit with him while he cries at the hospital.  
  
 _10 bucks says you don't have it in you_  
To conquer fear and quit believing what they tell you to  
You are careening shamelessly into oblivion  
Where you will live alone with your chemicals and gin 

***

  
  
Zayn lives through his over dose. When he gets home from the hospital Harry tells him he’s ready to break up. He tells his boyfriend of three years that he’s tired of all his shit. This is the most painful thing he’s done in his entire life. He’s in love with Zayn. But he can’t keep living with a drug addict.  
  
The boys had practically grown up together. But no one could figure out where Zayn had gone wrong. Some people blame Harry. Harry knows that it wasn’t his fault. It was Zayn’s demons that drove him to be who he was.

_We were born and raised the same way so what gives you the right to say  
(at least I'm not a liar)_

  
When Harry breaks the news to Zayn he looks like he’s going to cry. He tells Harry that he loves him. He tells Harry he’ll get better, he will. He’ll do anything to keep him. 

_We were born and raised the same way so what gives you the right to say_

  
Harry doesn’t believe him. Why should he? He’s always been a liar.

_At least I'm not a liar_

Harry reminds him of all the times they’d almost broke up before. About all the other guys there had been. About the times before when Zayn said he’d get better, that he’d stop.  Reminds him that he said he’d get help, but still hasn’t.

 _At least I'm not a cheat_  
  
Zayn tries to throw insults at Harry. He’s lying again. He could never actually find it in himself to call Harry a name and mean it, because Harry has never done anything to deserve it. He’s only ever been loyal.  
  
Zayn cares about Harry, but he doesn't love him.  
  
Harry tells him that he's a liar. He tells Zayn that he's a cheat. Finally, he tells Zayn to stop worrying about what other people think.

 _At least I don't care what these god damn mindless people think of me_  
  
Harry isn't a liar. Harry isn't a cheater. Harry sure as hell doesn't care what other people think of him.  
  
He tells Zayn these things as he's walking out of his life. __  
  
  


***

  
  
A month after Harry moves in with Louis, he finds out that Zayn over dosed again. This time they couldn’t save him.   
  
Harry tries to pretend that he doesn’t care. But who is he kidding? He’s devastated. He was trying that optimism thing again. And again it let him down. Harry has decided to be a pessimist. Because being a pessimist is easy.   
  
Niall tells Harry that Zayn was never worth his tears. Liam agrees with him. Harry thinks they’re full of shit.   
  
Both of his friends tell him that Zayn just drank himself to an early grave. Twenty-one is far too young to be a tragic author.   
  
“Maybe,” Harry says, “Maybe, he was just a one hit wonder.”  
  
His friends laugh in spite of the situation. In spite of everything that has happened. In spite of the tears that are still traveling down Harry’s cheeks.   
  
Harry even smiles.  
  
Harry smiles because he knows that everything will be okay. Zayn is gone, he’s not fighting anymore. He’s not struggling, he’s not in pain. Its cliché, but he’s at peace now.

Harry’s going to be okay too. It hurts right now, but he knows Zayn is better off now.  
  
Liam and Niall never did make him pay up on their bet.  
  
 _10 bucks says you don't have it in you_  
To conquer fear and quit believing what they tell you to  
You are careening shamelessly into oblivion  
Where you will live alone with your chemicals and gin


End file.
